I'm Incredibly Anxious
by byitisee
Summary: Friends to lovers fic where Phil finds out how anxious Dan really is. TW: panic attacks (many & detailed)
1. The First Time

Chapter 1: The First Time

It had been a long night. Dan, in trying to blink the sleep away, ended up squeezing his eyes shut as tightly as possible while trying to hold his breath through the wave of panic that rolled through him. After a few cautionary breaths, he knew he had to get up. It was always worse when he lingered in bed. Besides, he had promised Phil not to sleep past midday so they could film a video and work on some of the editing together.

With a final deep, stabilizing breath, Dan dragged himself out of bed and stood still for a moment to regain his balance. Head rush of a tall person plus dizziness from lingering panic don't add up to the best equilibrium.

Phil was already pouring himself cereal when Dan walked into the kitchen. "Took you long enough! It's already 11:30, Dan, most of the morning's gone."

"I know, sorry."

"Bad night?"

The look on Dan's face was enough. Phil knew that last night must have been pretty bad—maybe the sequel to a few more from earlier in the week, judging by the bags under his eyes—and that Dan was trying to push it all away to have a normal, productive day. "Do you want some cereal?"

"Maybe later. What do you want to film?"

"You need to eat, Dan." He hadn't said anything for a few days, but he couldn't help it. It was hard to watch his friend nibble at the edges of his meals or skip them entirely. He was getting a little worried.

"I will, just… Not right now, ok?" Dan closed his eyes for a moment, leaning his back against the wall.

"If you promise you'll eat later."

"Yeah, yeah I will."

Something was really wrong. It had been a long time since Phil had seen Dan so… off. He decided to just keep an eye on him, and not pester him with questions just yet.

They were in the middle of filming a gaming video—in the middle of the day for once—when Phil noticed how fidgety Dan was. It almost looked like he was shaking. "Hey, Dan?"

"Sorry, hold on." Dan was already walking away by the time he finished the shaky reply. Phil, getting genuinely worried now, finally decided it would be best to follow him.

Dan had walked in the direction of his room, but when Phil tried to open the door, it was locked. That was weird; they never lock any doors in the house. It just doesn't seem worth the effort, and they always end up forgetting they locked it when the other wants to come in hours later. They practically have an open-door policy anyway. They've lived together for long enough now, they're pretty comfortable around each other.

Phil knocks hesitantly. "Dan? You locked the door." Nothing. "Um, can I come in?" He pressed his ear up against the door, but he still couldn't hear anything. "Dan? Are you ok?"

He felt his phone vibrate in his pocket, and saw a text from Dan, "fine, one sec," so he sent a quick reply and walked back to turn off the camera and lights while they took this unexpected break.

About fifteen minutes later, Dan returned looking decidedly paler than normal, and quickly sat down to resume filming. Phil glanced over him but noticed nothing else out of the ordinary, so he decided to hold his tongue and just finish the video.

The editing process is always harder for Dan than filming. He knows he doesn't need to look as normal once the camera's off, but sitting in front of the video clips is much less distracting. He closes his eyes briefly as a sort of reset to help him focus.

"Tired?" Dan jumped at the sound of Phil's question and quickly moved to slow his breathing before his flat-mate noticed.

He looked up and faked a yawn, saying "Sorry, actually think I started dozing off for a second." Tired is always the easiest excuse. It's also always true. "Maybe I'll just go to bed."

"Really? It's only 8:30."

"Fuck," it was hardly more than a whisper. It felt like they had already been editing for hours, not just thirty minutes. "Oh… Wow, uh, maybe not then."

Phil just looked at him for a second. "Talk to me."

"What? I am talking to you. See this? Talking."

"Dan, you can always talk to me. About anything."

"Yeah. Yeah, I know."

"Then talk to me."

"No, no I'm fine. I'm-" Dan clamped his eyes shut. This was bad. "I'm. It's just." He forced himself to breathe normally. "Ok. I'm ok. I'm-" He gasped when he felt a hand on his shoulder.

"Hey, hey, it's me. Just me."

Dan shook his head, eyes still closed. "I'm fine. It's, I'm ok." He took a shallow, shaky breath.

"I'm right here, what do you need?" Phil was kneeling next to the chair now, one hand still gently squeezing Dan's shoulder.

"I'm-no, I'm fine, just." He was gasping now, and it was getting harder to talk.

"Whenever you're ready Dan, whatever you need." Phil offered his hand to guide Dan to the sofa, but his eyes were still closed. Phil gave Dan's shoulder another squeeze and whispered, "I'm right here. I just think the sofa might be more comfortable. You can talk to me Dan, but you don't need to. I'm here, ok? I'm not leaving."

Dan took a shaky breath and opened his tear-filled eyes to look at Phil. He nodded and grabbed Phil's hand like a lifeline.

Phil smiled and squeezed his hand as he started to stand up, keeping his other hand on Dan's shoulder to steady him as they shifted over to the sofa. "Ok, there we go. What can I do? Dan?" His whole body was visibly shaking now as he lay curled in a ball with his eyes closed again rapidly shaking his head back and forth. Phil was getting really worried now. He had never seen Dan this bad before. He reached over to put his hand back on Dan's now trembling shoulder. "Dan?"

Dan jerked away from the touch and suddenly he couldn't breathe. He curled in tighter on himself and kept violently shaking his head.

"Oh my god, Dan!" Phil pulled his hand away and realized his shout probably wasn't helping things, so he tried again in a quieter voice. "Dan, shh, it's just me. I'm here, it's me. It's ok. You're ok. Shh-" Suddenly Dan was curled into Phil's side, squeezing Phil's hand, and still breathing much too quickly. Nothing else mattered now, Phil just sounded safe and more than anything else, Dan needed to feel safe. "Ok, ok, I need you to breathe. Dan? Deep breaths with me. We're sitting on the sofa in our lounge in our flat in London. It's just me." Phil slowly moved the hand Dan had claimed until Phil's hand was holding it against his own calm, steady heartbeat. "Focus on me. Focus on my voice. I'm right here, right? Right here." Phil's other hand had migrated to Dan's shaking back and began rubbing slow circles.

"Phil-" Dan cringed at how utterly terrified he sounded. "Phil-"

"Shh, I'm right here, Dan. I'm here. It's ok. Can you breathe for me? We're just going to slow down and relax, ok? I'm staying right here. I'm not going anywhere, ok? Deep breaths, as deep as you can."

"Phil I can't, I-"

"Yes you can. I know you can. Breathe with me. Ready? Slow, deep breaths. It'll help; I promise."

Dan tightened his grip on Phil's hand until his knuckles turned white, but he could still feel Phil's heartbeat and hear his exaggerated deep breaths. He managed a few slower breaths before he gasped for air.

"Ok good, again now. Focus on me." Phil's free hand was now combing through Dan's hair, and he soon felt Dan's head on his shoulder, not shaking quite as badly anymore. "I'm here."

After about another ten minutes of this, Dan had finally slowed his breathing closer to normal and softened his death grip on Phil's hand. With another deep breath, he opened his eyes and started pulling away.

"Welcome back," Phil joked gently. He let Dan pull away for a little space, but stayed right next to him.

"Sorry." It was barely a whisper, but Phil was paying enough attention that he noticed anyway.

"Wait, what are you sorry for?"

"You weren't supposed to see that." He had his head in his hands now.

"Why?"

"It's just not fair to you. You don't need to deal with all this."

"All what? How long have you been having panic attacks, Dan?"

"It's fine. It doesn't matter."

"No no no, come on; talk to me. It matters to me."

"I don't want to put this on you."

"You're not putting anything on me, ok? Look at me for a sec?" Dan wiped some of the tears from his face before turning to Phil. "I hate that you're going through this. It's awful. It's not fair. But I want to help you, ok? Please don't keep me in the dark if there's anything I can do. Anything. Wake me up in the middle of the night; I don't care. I hate watching you hurting, but it's even worse if you're worried about sparing me when you're the one having a freaking panic attack, ok? And I want to talk more about this. Whenever you're ready. Come here." Phil was already pulling him into a hug. "I just want to help."

"Shit, Phil, the editing… Didn't you want that up tonight?"

"Really? After all this time, you think our fans will be surprised if they have to wait an extra day or two for a video? We don't exactly have a regular upload schedule."

Dan chuckled at that. "I think I'll have that cereal now."

"Oh, uh…" Phil's guilty look said it all.

"You didn't. You did not finish my cereal Phillip Michael Lester."

"I did, but I also bought you more before you woke up this morning so you wouldn't be out."

"Wait… You went to the store before I was even up? What's gotten into you, Philly?"

"Well… It's just, you weren't really eating. And, well, I really wanted some cereal, ok?"

"You finished it in the middle of the night, didn't you?"

"I was hungry! Have you tried dry cereal as a midnight snack; it's great!"

"I should've known." Dan was shaking his head with a smile on his face.

"Well, I guess we're even then."

"Even?"

"Yeah. I ate your cereal, but I think you broke my hand!"

Dan playfully hit Phil's arm before getting up for some cereal.

"Ow! Now you broke my arm too!"

"Oh, shut up." Phil smiled at the successful bants and followed Dan to the kitchen to make sure he ate the cereal.

"You wanna talk about it?" Dan clearly hadn't slept well since that day, but hadn't really brought it up.

Dan didn't look up from the jacket zipper he was playing with. "Just not sleeping I guess."

"Insomnia or anxiety?"

Dan made a noncommittal noise and shifted deeper into the sofa crease.

"Both?" Phil inched his way a little closer to Dan.

After quickly glancing up at the sudden movement and back to the zipper, Dan nodded. "Sometimes it's just bad for awhile."

"So what do you do?"

"Wait."

"You just wait it out? How long?"

"Depends. Days or weeks mostly."

"Weeks? How could you hide this from me for weeks?"

"Spend a lot of time in my room. Joke about staying up too late on Tumblr if I didn't get up until mid afternoon. Complain about a headache or something to justify editing in quiet darkness."

Phil closed his eyes for a moment to process this. "How bad is it right now?"

"Exhaustion or anxiety?"

"Both, I guess."

"I've had worse."

"That doesn't really answer my question, Dan."

"I guess I don't know how to explain it. It's kind of… all over the place."

"So if one is lowest anxiety you've ever had and five is the panic attack from the other day…?"

"Four."

"Right now?"

"Yeah."

"Anything I can do?"

Dan had his eyes shut now and seemed to be trying to shift his focus away from the zipper in favor of his friend. "Can we stop talking about this?"

"I'm just trying to understand."

"No, I know. Just… It's hard to talk about. Hard to… think about." Dan squeezed his eyes tighter and took a steadying breath.

"Do you trust me?" Dan hesitated for a moment before meeting Phil's eyes and shakily nodding. "My room or yours?"

Dan looked confused, but Phil's room sounded brighter and much more separate from the last several panicked nights in his own bed. "Yours…?"

"Ok, let's go." Phil had already offered a hand to Dan who accepted it as he stood. Phil steadied him as he swayed just slightly and then walked hand in hand with him until they reached the colorful bed. Phil crawled onto the opposite side and pulled Dan onto the bed next to him. Dan was already leaning on Phil's shoulder as they sat on the still-made bed by the time he realized the plan.

"Wait, Phil, I'm fine, really."

"Cool, then it won't bother you to sit here with me for awhile. You know, we really don't talk much anymore." Phil had a sly grin on his face by the time he finished.

"Don't talk? You're the only person I ever talk to!"

"True, but I'm sure we'll think of something we haven't talked much about…" Dan was shaking his head now. "Dan, this is a safe place. I just want you to feel like you can talk to me. About anything. You matter to me, and anything going on in that massive brain of yours matters to me too."

"I know, it's just…" Dan couldn't meet Phil's eyes anymore. "It's too much. I… Fucking shit. Ok, I just-" He suddenly had a death grip on the bed sheets until Phil took his hand. "I hate this."

"Ok, ok, shh." Phil clearly hadn't expected this to escalate so quickly. "Slow down. What can I do?"

"I… I want it to stop. Phil-" Dan's breathing was having a race with his words and he couldn't tell which was winning.

"I know, I know. What makes it stop? Dan?"

"No. Nothing. It- It doesn't stop. I can't- god I can't breathe."

Phil was trying to place what it was that bothered him about this—other than the obvious—when it hit him. Dan wasn't swearing anymore. It was almost like he couldn't spare the breath. "Is laying down better?" Dan violently shook his head as his breathing continued to race towards hyperventilating. "Ok, then, do you want space?" Phil wasn't sure that Dan hadn't simply continued shaking his head in answer to the previous question, but he pulled him closer anyway.

Dan buried his head in Phil's t-shirt. "Phil-"

"Right here." Suddenly Phil felt Dan's entire body tense and it looked like he was trying to squirm away as his speed breathing hit a new record. "Ok, ok, shhh, what's wrong? Dan? I need you to talk to me, ok? Dan?"

"Can't- Can't breathe. Phil-" There was whimpering mixed in with the hyperventilating now.

Phil was confused about how this was newsworthy considering the circumstances until he realized Dan probably felt like the shirt was suffocating him. "Ok, here, better?" he checked as he slowly shifted Dan's head further from his chest, but Dan further tensed at the movement and jerked back towards Phil. "I'm here; I'm here, just making sure you can breathe better, ok? Can I turn you around a bit?" Dan shook his head into Phil's chest between his two hands that were gripping Phil's shirt as if to confirm he was still there. "Ok, that's ok. Can you breathe for me?" Phil closed his eyes in worry when Dan shook his head again, this time also able to feel the tears soaking into his shirt.

Dan kept trying to say Phil's name through his tears and gasping and seemed to be trying to move impossibly closer to the safety Phil represented. "Please-" he wheezed.

"Yeah?"

"Phil-" His body tensed again as he curled closer in on himself and Phil.

"I'm here. Right here. I just want to move us around a bit so it's easier for you to breathe, ok?" Dan didn't respond, so Phil decided that was the closest he'd come to permission and started propping Dan up a bit to turn his face away from his chest.

"No! Phil- Phil." Dan was fighting the movement and thrashing around until he felt his cheek back against Phil's chest, an arm around him, and fingers carding through his hair.

"Shh, all done now. Better? I'm right here Dan, not going anywhere."

Dan kept his eyes tightly shut and his grip on Phil's shirt as his breathing continued to race, but he wasn't as tense anymore. Between his sheer exhaustion and Phil's physical and verbal comfort, Dan soon fell asleep.

Dan opened his eyes to darkness. The first thing he knew was that he was alone. The second thing he knew was this wasn't his bed. Sitting up slowly, Dan tried to relax as he remembered he was in Phil's room, but Phil wasn't next to him anymore. He reached to the bedside table for his phone or laptop, but realized he hadn't brought either with him. He moved to sit up, realizing he was under the duvet somehow. He jumped out of the bed and backed towards the door when it suddenly opened behind him.

"Dan do you want any- Oh!" Phil dropped the bowl of—thankfully dry—cereal in surprise, having assumed Dan was still asleep.

"Phil, god, Phil the bed… I swear I didn't- I don't know how I got under the duvet."

"Oh, I do. I pulled it over you. You must have been pretty exhausted, because even that didn't wake you up. Oh, and you've been out for seven hours."

"Seven?!" Dan reached for the wall to support him.

"Almost eight, actually. I bought more cereal!" Phil positively grinned at this announcement.

Dan clenched his fists. "Fuck."

"Dan? What… What did I say?" Phil stepped over the scattered cereal closer to Dan.

"I won't sleep."

"What? You just got like a whole night of sleep."

"Exactly. I won't sleep tonight."

"So go on Tumblr until you're tired, and get back into a good rhythm tomorrow…?"

"Phil… When I'm caught up on sleep, I tend to spend the next few nights panicking instead of sleeping."

"The whole night?"

"Pretty much. I'll get an hour or two, but it's restless sleep."

"Anything that helps?"

"Sleep. While I'm asleep—even if I dream about panicking—it's not as intense as when I'm awake."

"Ok I have an idea. We'll film a gaming video after dinner and then a baking video after that. Then we could do some editing or watch anime and definitely eat popcorn either way until we can watch the sunrise. Then we'll make pancakes. We don't even have to film it unless you want to. Oh! I bought toppings, too. So pancakes, anime, we can edit together, maybe do a spontaneous we-stayed-up-all-night live show if we're feeling funny. By eight or nine tomorrow night, we'll be exhausted for sure. Then we'll sleep. Deal?"

Dan laughed. "To help me sleep, you propose an all nighter?"

"Well… yeah!" Phil's grin was back, and it was contagious.

"As long as you clean up all this cereal from my floor."

"It's my floor!"

"Oh yeah. Well you spilled it!"

"Fine, I'll clean it up if you'll eat something every time I say so during our all nighter."

"Deal."


	2. All Nighter

Chapter 2: All Nighter

Whose bright idea was it to film an exercise video anyway? Dan and Phil don't do sports—not even video game sports. Dan should've known nothing good could come from exercise.

Phil glanced at Dan, who was leaning forward with his hands on his knees trying to catch his breath. They were both still too out of shape for this video, but the tour had helped a lot. They'd both have died by this point if they had tried to film this pre TATINOF.

Dan closed his eyes and took a deep breath. "Why did we do this?"

"It's a great title, very clickable." Phil smiled as he turned back to Dan. "You need a break?"

"I can finish."

"Not what I asked."

"What?"

"I could use some water. Want any?"

"I'm good."

"Dan, you look like you're about to pass out."

"Thanks, you look great too." Dan swayed on his feet.

"Whoa, ok, let's sit down." Phil gently pushed Dan to the sofa behind them.

"I'm ok."

"I believe you. Water or food?"

"Phil, I'm fine."

"Yup. You want both? I'll get both." Dan sighed, but moved to follow Phil to the kitchen. "Wait, you stay sitting, I'll be ten seconds."

"Calm down."

"You first."

"I am calm."

"Good. I want you to eat something."

"Phil-"

"You promised."

The food helped for a bit, but Dan was still too dizzy. The room kept tipping randomly as he finished his turn in the game. "Phil."

"Yeah?" Phil turned to Dan in time to see his knees buckle. "Ok, a little more warning next time might be helpful." He had caught his friend in time to push his descent towards the sofa.

"Dizzy."

"I noticed. Anything else?"

"Don't like being out of breath." Dan's breathing was somehow tense, as if he were breathing through some sort of pressure on his chest.

"It's just from all the jumping and running. Let's relax for a minute." Phil held Dan's water out to him, but he didn't notice. "Dan?"

"Don't like it."

"I know. Do you want some water?" His breathing was almost painfully calm. It looked like it was consuming all of his energy. "You can let go now." Dan shook his head. "It might be easier."

"I don't want to."

"Dan, you are. This will just make it last longer. It's nothing we can't handle."

"Please, I can't-"

"I can help. Let me help, ok?" Phil could see Dan shaking as much as he could feel it.

"Not now-"

"Dan, if you honestly think you can stop at this point, great, but I will help you if you can't. I'm right here. Is delaying it really better?" Phil was slowly rubbing Dan's arm.

Dan gasped as his entire body tensed. "Phil- I can't."

"Would less light be better or worse? Our video lighting is pretty intense."

Still gasping, Dan managed, "better," but immediately began to hyperventilate as Phil stood to turn off the lights.

"Dan, Dan, I'm right here. Two seconds." Lights off now, Phil was back at Dan's side in a heartbeat. "Done. Focus on me, ok? I'm gonna touch you, ok?" Phil waited to allow Dan to refuse, but saw no such sign, so he began carding through his sweaty brown hair. "Remember that time I locked myself out of the flat without my phone and had to knock obnoxiously until it woke you up?" Dan nodded, keeping his eyes tightly shut. "I was knocking for at least ten minutes; must've made the neighbors crazy."

"Sorry-"

"No, not my point. Imagine me standing outside our flat like an idiot for ten minutes without even being able to play any apps, I don't know how I made it!"

Dan chuckled through his strained gasping and leaned further into Phil's touch. "Phil?"

"Yeah?"

"Don't like exercise."

"I know. Is this why?" Dan nodded, tears beginning to fall onto his cheeks. "Why didn't you tell me?"

"Scared."

"Of me?"

Dan rapidly shook his head. "Everything else."

Phil sighed. "Hey, we definitely have enough exercise footage for this video. Once we've caught our breath a bit, let's just film the outro and be done with it. I'm getting too tired anyway. Maybe I'll even edit it so you win."

Phil had such a cute smirk on his face that Dan couldn't help but laugh again. "No one will believe I won, Phil."

"Like they would think _I_ won… We're both about as fit as potatoes; this Dan vs. Phil came down to chance."

Dan's head was laying comfortably in the crook of Phil's neck now, Phil's hand still playing with his curls. "I don't wanna get up yet."

"Neither do I." Phil smiled, "I get to play with your hobbit hair."

Dan just laughed and moved even closer to his flat mate.

"Can I ask you something?" Phil looked up from his nearly empty bowl of popcorn at Dan sitting mere inches away on the sofa. They had just finished their tenth episode of anime—having already filmed two videos—and it was the point in the morning when people with "real schedules" and "real jobs" would be getting up. They had abandoned the idea of editing entirely at Dan's request.

"You just did." Dan had his characteristic post-anime smile curved slightly into the smile reserved for messing with Phil.

"You know what I mean."

"Unfortunately."

"I'm taking that as a yes." Dan rolled his eyes, but didn't stop Phil from continuing. "Why were you so worried that you were under my duvet?"

They were close enough that Phil could feel Dan tense. "I don't know."

"That doesn't sound like 'I don't know,' Dan."

"I guess it's just a little weird maybe? I've been _on_ your bed loads for videos and stuff, but that was the first time I was _in_ your bed."

"It made you uncomfortable?"

"I guess I thought you would be."

"Really? Why?"

"I don't know… Is that a thing people do? Like real people?"

"I don't know anything about these 'real people,' but it didn't bother me. Especially because I'm the one who brought you into my room, pulled you onto my bed, and pulled my covers over you once you fell asleep."

"But, say you said that in a video, what would fans think? Isn't that like ideal phan proof?"

"You sleeping in my bed while I go shopping and edit my video?"

"It doesn't make sense to me either."

"Are you still worried about it?"

"I didn't want you to think I was trying to get into your bed or something when I chose your room. I'm not faking this for attention."

"Is that what this is about? Dan, I don't think that at all. You're not nearly that good of an actor." Dan couldn't help but chuckle. "Besides, we don't lie to each other."

"Is it lying if I don't tell you stuff?"

"Depends. Are you hiding it from me because of me or you? If you're uncomfortable with it or it makes you anxious and you're working towards talking about it and deciding whether you should, that's different from not telling me stuff about your life because you decide to keep it from me."

"I guess. I just feel like you deserve an explanation for all this."

"If you wanna talk, I'm all ears, but I want you to listen to me. I am not pressuring you. You do not need to push yourself to explain this to me. You have nothing to prove. If talking to me could help you, I'm all for it. I just don't want you to try to live up to some imaginary demand for information, ok? I'm not trying to be your therapist, just your best friend."

"I needed both."

"What?"

"To stay in the same position and to move away."

"Still lost."

"Yesterday. During…"

"Oh, so move away to breathe better, but what made you need to stay?"

"Moving was too much."

"…And?"

Dan sighed. "And… I guess you were… safe."

"I have another question."

Dan sat there for several seconds with an expectant look on his face. "Which is…?"

"If you usually have so much trouble sleeping, how did you get almost eight straight hours dead to the world in the middle of the day?"

"Didn't dream."

"At all?"

"Not that I remember. I usually wake up from them though, and I clearly didn't."

"So…"

"I don't know. I haven't slept that well in… god knows how long."

"So it was me."

"What?"

"I'm clearly your sleep good-luck-charm!"

"That's not a thing; don't make that a thing."

"Too late!"

Dan set down the controller and looked up at Phil. "You helped, you know."

As surprised as Phil was to hear Dan start a conversation in the middle of a Mario Cart race, he still picked up on the pattern that Dan was referring to panic attacks whenever he didn't specify. "Yeah? How?"

"Everything." Dan and Phil ended up finishing fifth and sixth respectively as the rest of the race went unnoticed. "Anything outside of… it is distracting, but it's more than that. You didn't say any shit about how everything is ok or try to convince me that nothing was wrong. You weren't patronizing. You only asked important questions. It was almost like you've done it before." Dan had made this speech while staring directly at both hands in his lap, but looked up at Phil questioningly as he finished.

"Sort of. I just haven't been the comforter."

"Wait, you mean…?"

"It was middle school. Some big announcement or something with all the students going to the same place. I guess it was just too many people or something. The hallways were too crowded. I just remember feeling like I had to get out of there so I could breathe. Martyn found me in the bathroom. Everything I've tried with you I learned from him."

Dan just sat there for a moment processing this. "So… you…"

"Yeah. Just once, and it was awhile ago, but I get it."

"I didn't know."

"I didn't know about you until the other day. I had noticed some anxiety and knew you had pretty regular bad nights, but I didn't know about the attacks until it started that day."

"Most people are just confused and overwhelmed if I tell them. Almost like it isn't fair for me to burden them with the story or the details. I always wanna say, 'try being on this end'… I guess I was just too scared to ruin our friendship. I had already never expected AmazingPhil to want to be friends with the version of me I put on the internet. Telling you everything would just make the odds of you leaving that much higher. And then it had been too long and telling you would've been a big announcement and I just couldn't do it."

"I get it. You don't introduce yourself as Dan Howell: internet trash plus panic attacks, but it also doesn't really come up in conversation later, and suddenly it's become this big secret."

"But it was never that I didn't trust you. I was just scared… Too scared to tell you how scared I was that you would realize how scared I am and leave."

"I think I followed that…"

"Shut up. When it didn't even seem to scare you, I thought you might think I had thought you couldn't handle it or something or would be a jerk about it and god, Phil, I didn't think that."

"I know. The fear wasn't about me. You were worried that it made you somehow not good enough, and that I would realize it. You thought you wouldn't be worth the drama if I knew. It's not like that at all. We're like brothers. I've never had this kind of a friendship with anyone before, and there's not much you could do to mess this up, ok? Just don't kill my family or anything."

Dan chuckled as he wiped away the few tears that had escaped. "I think I can manage that."


	3. Nightmare

Chapter 3: The Nightmare

Phil woke up to Dan screaming his name. He was out of bed before he could register what he was doing and was throwing open Dan's door before he realized he was holding his breath. As he approached the bed gasping, he tried to shake Dan out of the dream, "Dan! Wake up! It's not real!" He shook him more and more violently, desperate to free him from his subconscious. "Come on, Dan, please!"

Dan woke up hyperventilating, and didn't even have time to notice Phil before having the worst panic attack he could remember.

"Dan! Dan, listen to me. I'm right here. Hey! Dan, come on, breathe for me." Phil was kneeling next to the bed now and holding Dan's hand.

"Phil-"

Phil's heart broke at how much terror and desperation was captured in that one word. "I'm right here next to you. I'm gonna do the talking for a bit, ok? You can just nod or squeeze my hand for yes." Phil felt a short pressure on his hand. "Perfect. Nightmare, right?" Dan confirmed this. "About panic?" Nothing. Phil paused for a second, considering what else could get him this worked up.

"You- Phil, you-" Dan choked down a sob as he tried to explain.

"It was about me?" Dan nodded so he could keep a steady death grip on Phil's hand. "Did I hurt you?" Dan violently shook his head. "Then…?"

"It was my- I'm so sorry Phil, I-" Dan had to stop to pull in more desperate breaths.

"You mean your fault?" Dan nodded and somehow further increased the pressure on Phil's hand. "I don't understand…"

"You couldn't- I kept- You left, and-" Every attempt was interrupted by a shallower gasp for air. "The car, and- Phil, the blood- I couldn't- You-"

Phil closed his eyes as he put the pieces together. "Listen to me." He put his face right in front of Dan's to make eye contact. "I'm here. Right here, in our flat with you. Nothing happened. You didn't do anything wrong. I didn't leave. There was no car, no blood, no nothing. I need you to breathe, Dan, please." With a start, Phil realized Dan was hardly pulling in any air now, no matter how much he gasped for it. "I'm right here, Dan, I'm not leaving you. Please hear me. God, Dan, I need you to hear me, I'm not leaving you. Ever. I will not leave you. I love you." The words were out before Phil could stop himself.

Dan's eyes opened somehow wider, and he closed the short distance between them. Now it was Phil's turn to be out of breath.

Phil closed his eyes. The next time he opened them, he was on Dan's bed. Dan was still shaking and still had to pause far too often for breath, but Phil used each opportunity to remind Dan he was there and he loved him.

Finally, Dan broke the kiss, panting, "not exactly how I expected you to treat a brother."

Phil punched his arm. "Hope this isn't bad timing, but it will be so much harder to hide phan now that it's real."

Without a word of explanation, Phil pulled Dan up from the bed and guided him to his colorful bed through the darkness. He hadn't had time to turn any lights on when he heard Dan's screams; it's a miracle, really that he survived the short trip.

Dan was still shaking when he collapsed onto his flat mate's (boyfriend's?) bed. "What are you doing?"

"You're sleeping with me tonight." Dan raised his eyebrows. "No! I mean, I didn't mean. Dan! You know what I mean. You're not sleeping alone in your bed after that. I won't let you."

Dan chuckled. "Thanks Phil." He sighed slowly.

"You wanna talk about it?" Phil's tone was gentle, as if he expected the answer to be "no", but knew it was the right thing to ask anyway.

"Fuck no!" Dan tried to laugh, but it came out more strained than amused.

"That means yes in my book." Phil responded gently, but with more commitment this time. He sighed, "Dan, I don't know how else to help."

Dan took a deep breath. "I don't think I can." He closed his eyes. "It was horrible."

"It sounded like I was hurt," Phil pressed, "maybe by a car?"

Dan glanced at him with tears in his eyes. "You weren't just hurt."

Phil sighed. He had figured as much. "Whatever happened wasn't your fault Dan, not even in the dream."

"You couldn't handle it, all my… stuff. You were overwhelmed. You left. You weren't really paying attention and the driver didn't see you and I couldn't help and you just kept laying there and there was so much blood and you weren't moving and I couldn't breathe-"

"Dan, look at me." When Phil didn't get a response, he tried again with a bit more force. "I need you to look at me right now." Dan squeezed his eyes shut tighter for a few seconds, but then turned his tear-blurred gaze to Phil. "I am not overwhelmed. Again, I hate that you're dealing with all this. I really do. I'd give anything to take this from you, but you need to know that I don't feel overwhelmed by you. Ever. Nothing about you makes me feel out of control or nervous or uncomfortable in any way. You are only ever calming and delightful to me, and I only ever love you. But even assuming you could manage to overwhelm me, my emotional response to something you do or say is never your fault. There's nothing wrong with panicking. It's not like you're hurting me or something. You are doing nothing wrong by letting me love on you when you're hurting. I love to love on you. I want to help. Got that?" Dan nodded. "And one more thing. I can't possibly get hit by a car because I never go outside."

Dan tried to give Phil a little smile, but it didn't reach his eyes, and he was still shaking. "I still can't calm down. It was just so horrible, Phil. I can't stop picturing it and I can't keep picturing it Phil I can't-"

"Shh, come here." Phil wrapped both arms around Dan's trembling body as he continued, "I'm right here. You need to get some sleep, Dan. I can't even imagine how hard that will be, but anytime you're scared or thinking about the dream I want you to remember that you can feel my arms around you. If I'm right here next to you, then nothing happened, and we're both ok."

It took awhile, but Dan managed to fall asleep. He did wake up a few more times, but Phil was there to remind him it was all just a dream.

Phil yawned as he worked on his bowl of Shreddies. It was almost 3 p.m., and he and Dan were eating breakfast.

"Ok, that's five now."

Phil yawned again, "what?"

"Six. Did you get any sleep?"

"Maybe an hour before I came to your room."

"Wait, that was 4 a.m. Why were you up until 3?"

"I could hear you pacing. I was worried about you." Phil admitted as he yawned.

Dan sighed. "Is that why you didn't sleep after I came to your room either?"

Phil tried to hide the next yawn, but it was pointless. "I was listening to your breathing. I wanted to know if you had another nightmare. I wanted to be able to wake you up."

"Ok that's really sweet, but you need to sleep Phil. I'm gonna make some coffee."

Phil tried to work through his sleep-deprived brain for a witty response. "You need to sleep too…"

"I did sleep, Philly. More than you, anyway. We won't be able to keep sleeping together if you don't get any sleep." Dan, focused on the pot of coffee he was preparing, missed Phil's smile at the blatant innuendo.

"I'm just not used to having you in bed with me."

Dan spun around, nearly spilling coffee grounds. He looked so shocked that Phil laughed out loud.

"I brought you there, remember? Relax." At that, Phil got up to help a sheepishly grinning Dan make them both some coffee.

"So, about that kiss…" Phil seemed adorably unsure about how to say it. Maybe he would've been more confident with more sleep, but the caffeine had definitely helped.

"Was I bad?" Dan joked. If he knew Phil at all, and he did, Phil had certainly not minded the kiss.

"No! No. It just happened so fast."

Dan froze. "Fuck, Phil, I just assumed-"

"Let me finish, Dan, I'm not saying you shouldn't have kissed me. I want you to kiss me again!" Dan stared back at him. "It happened so fast that I couldn't really process it or… Or enjoy it as much as I wanted to. And you were still panicking, and-" Suddenly Phil couldn't see. It took him a minute to realize he had automatically closed his eyes when Dan pressed their lips together. It was so… normal to kiss Dan. It was like they'd been doing it their whole lives. It just felt…right. God, that sounded cliché, but Phil couldn't bring himself to care at the moment.

It was Dan who pulled away for air and likely for a sarcastic comment, but Phil was kissing him again before he could take a full breath. "Phl, Phil!" Phil pulled away at the urgency of Dan's voice. "Can't- Let me breathe, god, Phil." He gasped again and Phil sheepishly apologized as Dan caught his breath.

"You ok?"

"I fucking hope so." Dan pulled in another deep, purposeful breath, but it ended in a gasp—Phil was suddenly kissing his neck.

"Ok?" Phil whispered between pecks.

"Better," Dan sighed as his eyes closed and he relaxed into Phil's touch. "Love you."

Phil pulled away just long enough to respond in kind.

"Phil…?"

"Mhm?" Phil didn't even bother to pull away from his continued mission to kiss every inch of Dan's neck.

"Does this mean…? I mean, are we…?"

Phil pulled back to look Dan in the eye and grinned. "Boyfriends? I sure hope so. I don't do this with all my friends."

Dan laughed and kissed his boyfriend again.


	4. The Movie

"Dan?" It had been several minutes now. Phil couldn't imagine where Dan would've gone in the middle of the crowded theater lobby, but Phil couldn't find him. He stopped walking to try to relax, but his breathing was already speeding up. He forced himself to start moving again. Anywhere else was better than the lobby; he had to move. He doesn't know what's wrong with him; he hasn't panicked since middle school, and he and Dan go see movies all the time. Remembering he had hardly slept makes him stop guessing, but doesn't remotely relax him. "Dan, please-" He doesn't remember walking into the bathroom, just needing to hide.

"Phil? Phil! What's wrong? What happened?" Dan was running up to him from a hand dryer as he slid against the wall until he hit the floor. "Phil? Phil, talk to me." Dan was on the floor now, right in front of him, trying to be the only thing in his flat mate's line of sight.

"Can't- Dan-" Phil's eyes were wide open and locked on Dan as his breathing skyrocketed.

"Panic attack?" Phil nodded. "Ok, here." Dan situated himself closer to his boyfriend so Phil could lean on him. "Shh, I'm right here, just you and me. Focus on me. Can you breathe with me?" Dan slowed and exaggerated his breathing while placing one of Phil's shaking hands to feel his own slow, steady heartbeat. "Nothing else matters right now, just my voice and your breathing. Deep breath for me." Dan paused as Phil took a shaky, but deeper breath. "Good. I'm not going anywhere. No one else is even in here. All the movies must've started. Whenever you're ready, we can move outside. Sometimes the fresh air can help."

Phil took another steadying breath, "Yeah, let's go."

"Let me help you!" Phil had started getting up on his own just to gasp and fall the few inches back to the floor. "Ok, now let's go." Dan had a steady grip on each of his boyfriend's shoulders now until they were standing, when Dan pulled him into a hug.

Phil buried his face in Dan's chest and started crying through his gasps for air. "Dan, I can't- I'm sorry-"

"Shh shhh, not how this works. You are doing nothing wrong. I love you; you know that. Shh, Philly, you can do this. Believe me. If I can do this, you can do this. I'll hold you as long as you need and then we'll go outside and breathe the cool, fresh air and watch the stars come out. Sound good?"

Phil nodded. "Don't like it in here."

"Me neither. Let's go to that nice bench outside and relax for a bit, ok?"

Phil nodded again, so Dan pulled away only enough that they could walk side by side with arms still linked and hands tightly clasped together.

"Can I ask you something?" Dan whispered so he wouldn't startle his still shaking boyfriend. Phil nodded, but kept his eyes on the ground as he shifted uncomfortably on the bench. "Did something set it off? I don't want you to ever have to go through this again."

Phil put his head in his hands to hide his tears. "I didn't know where you went. I couldn't find you, and there were so many people, and I couldn't- I didn't know what to do."

"Listen to me. I love you. I will never leave you behind. You're outside in the fresh air with a boyfriend who's crazy about you. I know it sucks, but you can do this." As he talked, Dan gently pulled Phil's head onto his shoulder and put an arm around him.

"I know, I just- Dan, I can't- I can't go back in there, please-" Phil's breathing began to speed up again.

"Hey hey hey, listen to me. I'm right here. I'm not going anywhere. We're not going anywhere until you say so. It didn't look like that good of a movie anyway. Sh, all this will be over soon and then we can go home and relax, ok?"

Phil nodded and settled further into the embrace. "How do you do this almost everyday?"

"I just do it. It's not so much a thing I do really as it is a thing that happens to me. I just sit through it and try to move on once it stops. And… You help a lot. Even before you knew, you had this amazing instinct for when I needed to hear some random trivia fact or something. I'll even watch your videos if you aren't there," Dan admitted a bit sheepishly.

"I wish you would've just come found me. I hate that you ever went through this without me, Dan."

Dan smiled and gave his boyfriend a soft peck. "Ready to go home?"

Phil responded with another kiss, which Dan took as a yes.

The attack had clearly taken a lot out of Phil. He almost looked drunk as he stumbled up the final few steps to their flat. "You ok Philly?" Dan whispered as he reached out to help his boyfriend with the door.

Phil's breathing was getting really shallow, and the room started to spin. "Dan-"

That's all he needed. He threw one arm around the now shaking Phil and used the other to get the door and the lights. "Getting dizzy?" Phil nodded slowly as if too much movement would be too disorienting. "Bed or sofa?" Phil didn't respond. He had a vacant expression on his face and his eyes were unfocused. "Phil?" As if on cue, Phil collapsed. "Whoa, ok, I'm gonna go with sofa then. Shit, Phil, you could've warned me."

His breathing had become a bizarre combination of heavy, strained, and the even breathing associated with unconsciousness. After a few seconds, now sprawled on a sofa, Phil opened his eyes.

Dan sighed in relief, but tried to make it look like playful exasperation for his boyfriend's sake. "A little more warning next time, Sleeping Beauty. There's too much of you to catch."

Phil smiled and moved to sit up, but he was still too dizzy. Instead, he brought his hand to his face and reached for Dan's hand with the other. "For future, I think I need more sleep."

"I told you! God Phil, I don't care how worried you are about me, you need to fucking sleep."

"I might take you up on that right now."

He looked like he could've been asleep in seconds, but something made Dan jump up and insist on bringing him some food first.

Phil only nodded as he attempted to blink the sleep away.

It occurred to Dan that he wasn't really supporting his position on Phil's need of sleep by making him eat a second dinner. They ate before the went to the movie, and—since we all know how that went—they had hardly been gone an hour before stumbling back into their flat. Besides, Phil isn't the one who avoids eating when anxious. If anything, he tends to eat his feelings. But if it wasn't to take care of Phil, why-

Dan jolted upright as the kitchen was brilliantly bright for an instant, and he suddenly realized why the sky had gotten dark so much earlier than he expected. Thick gray clouds covered the sky, and he could hear the wind howl from inside the flat. At the first crack of thunder, he dropped both his and Phil's bowls of cereal, which—since everything was going so well for Dan today—had not only been filled with milk, but also made of glass. He was leaning heavily on the counter now, trying desperately not to think about the shards, the mess, or the storm brewing anxiety just outside the window.

At the sound of breaking glass, Phil shot up from the sofa and bolted to the kitchen. "Dan! Are you ok?" He looked his boyfriend up and down before surveying the kitchen and finally leaning on the counter for support during the ensuing dizzy spell. One more broken tile couldn't hurt much, and it certainly wasn't the first cereal related catastrophe this kitchen had dealt with, so he pushed those worries aside to focus on the shaking form cowering by the counter. "Dan?"

He knew he was shaking. Everything was happening at once, and he didn't think he could take one more thing. Before he could form an answer for his waiting boyfriend, another blinding flash of lightening burst through the room, leaving it in total darkness.

Phil had to remind himself to look and sound calm when he heard a cross between a whimper and a scream from across the room. Without the lights, it would be really hard to cross the minefield of glass shards—especially since he was still far too dizzy for comfort—but Dan had looked like he was about to fall over _before_ they lost power, and Phil knew this would be too much.

Taking a deep breath, Phil tried to picture the exact layout of the maze of glass, but it was no use. It was everywhere. "Dan, talk to me."

He hated making Phil worry, but at the moment, there was too much going through his head too fast to keep Phil a priority. Still, he managed what could be generously described as a squeak before continuing his rapid breathing.

"Ok, I just need you to focus on breathing and staying exactly where you are. Do you have your phone?" Phil waited a beat, but when he heard nothing, he continued, "If you do, turn on the flashlight. Otherwise, I'll run to the lounge for mine." He regretted it the second it left his mouth.

"No no no, Phil, you can't leave; don't leave me, please."

A well-timed flash of lightning allowed Phil to see Dan about to step towards him barefoot through broken glass. "Dan! Stop. Listen to me. You have to stay right there; there's glass everywhere. I need you to take a deep breath and focus on me talking to you while I go get my phone for some light, ok? You'll be able to hear me the whole time." Phil was about to take a blind step towards the lounge when the kitchen was suddenly well-lit by Dan's phone. He took a deep breath. "Thank god, I never would've made it in the dark," Phil attempted to make Dan at least smile with the usual bants.

Dan, trying to focus on the fact that he could now see and Phil wouldn't have to leave, managed a more even breath before saying, "I- I need to move; I can't stay here."

"Ok, just a little longer Dan; let me grab a towel."

After clearing enough glass and milk away that Dan could safely move, they both escaped to Phil's room and collapsed on his bed, exhausted. In mere seconds, they were both asleep.


End file.
